Mash THIS into your Pie Hole!

By NATHAN MACINTOSH

Photo by Hexandcube on Unsplash

(EDITORS’ NOTE: A couple of months ago we introduced you to standup comedian Nathan Macintosh, whose hilarious and perfectly named “Down with Tech” warmed our technoskeptical hearts. If you haven’t seen it, what are you waiting for? In the meantime, Macintosh’s fertile brain created for the Technoskeptic some satire that should resonate with everyone who ever looked down at some fast food and asked yourself, “Why am I eating this?”)

Well, we did it. We ate ourselves into bigger booths, bigger cup holders, and shoes that we don't have to lace up. 

'Just slip them on! Why tie your shoes when you can't see them anyway?! SLIDE IN!''

We've eaten ourselves out of amusement park rides, seats on planes and any European clothing. 

'What do you mean you don't have this beefeater hat in a 9 wide!? But I'm an American!'

We've eaten ourselves into mobility scooters at 40, pain medication for our knees at 30, and sleep apnea machines that are now in such demand there are travel sizes. 

'Alright everyone, remove your belt, your shoes, and put your CPAP gas masks things in the tray... yes, sir, even the slip-on shoes need to come off.'

Now this isn't ENTIRELY our fault. Companies that sell us fattening/debilitating food spend MILLIONS of dollars in advertising. Broccoli does not have ads. Asparagus doesn't have Ice Spice’s ass in front of it. Blueberries are not endorsed by anybody. But McDonalds, Burger King, Arby's (I know), and Wendy's absolutely do. Bright, beautiful commercials with comedy and celebrities telling you how great the Spicy Chicken Cheese Big Bacon Mac Whop Krinkle Cut Fries are. And they're so cheap! $1.99 for 7 sandwiches?! 86 cents for a bucket of biscuits?! Who can resist!

You'd think at that price the food would taste bad, at that price a burger would just be a cow’s hoof with BBQ sauce on it and it would taste, well, like a hoof and A1. However, nope, it tastes great. Because as well as the marketing budget, these companies hire scientists (or elves) to figure out the exact right combination of sugar, salt, and Red Dye Number 9 that makes these things irresistible. So irresistible that at one point people were FIGHTING for a Popeyes chicken sandwich. Fighting! Fists to faces! You've never seen a punch thrown in a produce aisle over carrots. No kicks were thrown over cumquats. Not even leg drop ever over the 'only around once a year' Sumo Oranges.

Dangerous anti-tech lunatic Nathan Macintosh. Courtesy of the lunatic’s website.

So with the marketing, the price, and the sweet sweet elf-created taste that afterwards leaves us feeling tired, angry, and depressed, we have become sleepless, shoeless and overweight. For a while, we fought this with the 'Body Positivity' movement, but there can only be so many low-speed mobility scooter crashes at Wal-Mart before something has to change. Would eating differently be the thing? Exercising more? No. Not a damn chance. Sweating and eating spinach? Please. We'd rather only be able to wear t-shirts with cute cats or slogans like 'My Other Car’s Your Wife' on them. So companies have yet again come to the rescue. They sell us the poison and the antidote, which could very well be poison. 

'Oh Hungry? O Zempic!' could EASILY be an ad for this wonder drug that you shoot into your stomach like a junkie who used up all of the spots on their arm. The miracle cure to obesity. Don't exercise, don't eat better, don't eat anything! With Ozempic, your brain is told in a way that can't be anything short of horrific that you are NOT hungry! That you DON'T want that McWhopper Big Rib Beef And Cheddar Combo... which if you did is on sale for 'Buy 1 Take A Trough Of Them With You' until August. 

Ozempic, the wonderful weight loss drug that wasn't made for weight loss at all, is all the rage. And people ARE losing weight! They're losing weight, muscle, and any semblance of a face that won't scare children. Just like food companies did when they made their Chili Cheese Burger Dogs In A Boat, a food that has absolutely zero nutritional value, they've done that with their cure as well. Don't want to sweat? Ozempic. Want to lose a bunch of weight right away? Muscle counts as weight... Ozempic! The best thing about Ozempic, currently, because it has not been around long enough to see if there actually are any, there's no side effects! 10 years ago vaping had no side effects. 40 years ago fast food was just FASTER food. It wasn't BAD. It was NOW! So right now is the PERFECT time to try the drug that you have to INJECT into your STOMACH. Planet Fitness should use this in their commercial instead of bagels.

'Buddy! You taking steroids!?'

'No. Appetite suppressors. Want a hit?'

'DON'T BE THIS D BAG! GET ON AN ELLIPITCAL!'

The issue here as always is people’s need for RIGHT NOW. RIGHT. NOW. And the companies that are willing to produce it for us. Because why not make money even if it hurts people? Why not be able to buy a yacht, float around in the ocean eating lobster and throwing the empty shell at your staff, while people on the shore who look haunted and have had one raisin in six days because of the drug you sell? Why not! Why not have to walk around looking at crypt keepers that you created as long as you are wearing red bottom shoes, and again, EATING LOBSTER?

Sadly, and we hate this, we HATE it... some things should be hard. Some things need to be challenging. Sometimes, struggle benefits us. Humans. The non-yacht owners who have to throw the lobster shells from the crustacean we eat MAYBE once a year at ourselves. People, us, human beings, NEED to do hard things. It helps our brains. It helps our bodies. It helps us be able to brag. 

'Why write your book? Ask Chat GPT to do it and then just change the title!'

Because nothing is learned here. Nothing is gained. You feel no sense of accomplishment. You feel no sense of improvement. You don't sit and work and use your brain. You sit back, covered in cheese, while Sam Altman’s creation writes your book “Sitting Back Covered In Cheese 2: Gouda' for You.” 

'Why eat differently? Why work out? Take this needle to the gut and watch the weight DRAIN OUT OF YOUR EYES!'

Well, yet again, because you will feel awful. Working out is not a party. Getting up, putting on shoes, and doing ANYTHING truly sucks at points. It sucks. However you feel better when you do. Wearing your Asics on an elliptical for even ten minutes feels better than throwing those Asics out the window and drinking ten minutes of TikTok with your face. If you take a 'miracle' drug to the tum tum to lose weight, you gain zero. Sure, you might LOOK better faster IN THE SHORT TERM, but then, THEN, your eyes fall into your skull, actual muscle leaves your body, your limbs atrophy and you need to be carried from couch to toilet while somebody holds your phone in front of your decrepit face so you can drink ten more minutes of Tik Tok.

'Oh wow, look at the cats...' you cough, as your other bicep falls off.

Or! We can say no to the companies that want us immobile, chugging blue cheese while getting thinner, and say yes to making life a little bit harder, while at the end of the day feeling better for i.... wait! The MCRIB IS BACK!... Forget everything I said...

*Jams An Ozempic Needle Into His Crotch And Hits The Drive-Thru.